Inside: When you discipline your child, remember this 3-step trick that will help you get through those tough parenting moments while also helping your child learn.
We’d just collected my third grader from school and made it back home again, which meant my two littlest ones had been held hostage in the car for an hour round-trip.
Which is why the second my feet crossed the threshold, 1-year-old Charlie wriggled out of my arms and headed straight for the LEGOs, with 3-year-old Bailey at her heels.
Charlie picked up a bowl filled with LEGOs, and Bailey snatched it from her. Charlie threw her head back and let out a high-pitched wail.
I sighed the sigh of refereeing your thousandth sibling fight of the day. “Bailey, she was having that.”
“I want it.”
Charlie’s scream went up a notch, and I resisted the urge to just grab the bowl from Bailey and give it back. “You can have it when she’s done.”
“No, I want it!”
Little Charlie reached an arm out to the bowl, and Bailey slapped it away.
“Bailey! You just hit Charlie! You’re being mean right now.”
Now Bailey’s face look like I’d slapped her. The determination to keep the toys to herself melted away, and the corners of her mouth turned down.
“I’m not mean.” Her shoulders drooped. “I’m a nice person.”
A Warning
The streaks running down her face were my warning sign.
With my toddler and preschooler crying in unison, I forced myself to stop. Rewind the tape in my brain.
“You’re being mean right now.”
Those are the words I’d said to my child. But I didn’t say she was mean! I thought.
My mind flipped through a Rolodex of things I wanted to say now. Things I should have said:
- You took a toy from your sister, then you hit her.
- Hitting is not okay, and now Charlie’s sad.
- How can you help Charlie feel better?
Bailey’s shoulders shook from her sobs. Charlie took the bowl of LEGOs from her big sister’s hands, and Bailey didn’t even flinch.
I bit my tongue. This wasn’t the time for logic.
Photo by Donnie Ray JonesStill, I Didn’t Want to Admit It
I’d said something that hurt my three-year-old because she acted like three-year-olds do. Something that hurt her so deeply, her body crumpled in response. Something I would never say to my husband or to another adult.
“I said you were being mean,” I said. “I didn’t say you are mean.”
She looked up at me, her eyes red. “I’m not mean. I’m a nice person,” she repeated.
And it hit me. I would never tell my child “You’re mean” or “You’re ungrateful” or “You’re a brat.” But I definitely have told them “You’re being mean” or “You’re acting ungrateful” – and once I clearly remember saying “You’re acting like a brat” to my oldest.
But what’s the difference between telling another person they are something bad versus telling them they’re being something bad?
Were these labels helping my children learn an important life lesson? Or were my words introducing shame and sadness, squashing any potential for them to learn from the situation?
Photo by Donnie Ray JonesThe Answer
I thought back to when I was a kid. When my uncle called me “grumpy” or my sister called me “lazy” or my teacher called me “shy.” Labels stick. More than 30 years later, they stick.
The idea of my careless words to my three-year-old sticking 30 years later? My eyes filled.
I promised myself I’d figure out the answer once and for all – what effect do my words really have on my kids? I spent several nights after the kids were in bed reading article after article, post after post. Here are the highlights of what I found:
- When your child is shamed for her behavior, she’s so wrapped up in her own negative emotions that she’s less capable of feeling empathy toward others.
Translation: Bailey couldn’t care about how she’d made Charlie feel because she was wrapped up in her own hurt feelings.
- When fear and stress enter into the picture for your child, learning stops.
Translation: Because Bailey was now stressed about me calling her “mean,” she couldn’t learn a better approach for sharing the LEGOs.
- Labeling your child’s behavior (or personality) in a negative way becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, when you declare something like this to yourself or another person, it’s enough to influence your behavior to fulfill that declaration of “truth.” For example, let’s say you’re nervous about giving a presentation and think to yourself, “I’ll probably forget all the words.” Then you probably will – you’re living “down” to a self-fulfilling prophecy. This phenomenon even has a name – the Golem effect. But if you tell yourself, “I’m excited to share what I know,” then you’re more likely to do well.
Translation: By labeling Bailey as “mean,” I increased the chances she’ll behave in a way that fits that negative label.
All this to say: If my end goal is to teach my kids to not take things without asking, to clean up after themselves, to shut the toilet lid when they’re done – using a label like “mean” or “messy” or “gross” wasn’t moving us toward that goal. In fact, my words were painting a picture of the exact opposite outcome I wanted, effectively inviting my child to live “down” to that picture.
No matter the verb that came before the label, all labeling was doing was hurting my child and putting distance between us.
Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio {Printable}
Photo by Donnie Ray Jones3 Important Steps When Disciplining Your Kid
This epiphany opened my eyes to the immense power my words have with my children. But I’m not naive enough to think that an epiphany is all I need to stop myself from talking that way from here forward.
So I came up with a 3-step plan, and I’ve been using it ever since that day:
- In through your nose – Breathe in because when you’re breathing in, you can’t say something you’ll regret. (Sometimes I bite my tongue, too, for good measure.)
- Report what you see – Pretend you’re a court reporter. Because she doesn’t see “mean” or “naughty” or “brat.” She sees: “You took a toy from your sister, then you hit her.” or “You threw the ball inside the house.” or “You colored on the dining room table with a Sharpie.”
- Ask for your child’s ideas on moving forward – Because you haven’t shamed your kid, her brain is open to learning from what happened. And you get a ready-made teachable moment plus an opportunity to develop your kid’s problem-solving skills. For example, you might ask, “How can you help your sister feel better?” or “What can you do next time you feel like throwing the ball?” or “How can we clean the table?” This isn’t a test or a lecture in the form of rhetorical questions. Wait for your kid to share an idea – and remember she’s still practicing at this problem-solving stuff so she may need a few more seconds than you’d expect. If she’s hesitant, you can reassure her, like this: “I know we can fix this together. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
How to Remember This 3-Step Trick When You Discipline Your Child
When your kid misbehaves or just behaves in a way you don’t like, just remember…IRA. I know it makes zero sense, but stick with me.
Picture a sweet grandma. She gently guides kids towards better behavior but never loses her temper – because she raised 10 kids and knows what’s up with this parenting business. She bends down to look a child right in the eye, even though her knees aren’t what they used to be. And her reserves of patience are absolutely limitless. She waits for a child to think through something on their own, her eyes crinkling in delightful expectation of this little brain stretching and growing right before her very eyes.
This grandma is my hero, and her name is Ira. In Hebrew, Ira means “watchful.” Ira is also the short form of a Greek name that means “peace.”
And so in these tough parenting moments, imagine Grandma IRA right by your side – a watchful, peaceful soul. IN through your nose, REPORT what you see, and ASK for your child’s ideas.
Related: 10 Miracle Phrases to Help You Reconnect With Your Child {Printable}
Photo by K PCan You Un-Stick a Bad Label?
On the day I told my daughter she was being “mean,” I saw the power of my words in her drooping shoulders and tear-streaked face. And I got it, finally.
Later, my research would take me to IRA. But in that moment, I understood what I’d done.
I dropped to my knees in front of Bailey and put a finger under her chin to lift it. Looked into her eyes.
“You aren’t mean, Bailey,” I said. “You aren’t mean. I’m sorry I said that.”
“I’m a nice person,” she repeated.
“Yes. You are a nice person.”
“I want a hug,” she said.
I opened my arms, and we melted into each other.
And even though I wish I could take back what I said, I’m grateful to my preschooler for the hard parenting lesson she taught me that day: My words shape my child’s vision of herself.
If I want her to grow up to be a kind, helpful, thoughtful person, calling her (or her actions) “mean” certainly isn’t helping. Tearing people down isn’t what you do when you want to people to learn and grow. Even if those people happen to be three feet tall.
I pulled back from our hug to see whether Bailey was starting to calm down. Her eyes were still rimmed in red, but the tears had stopped.
“Will you forgive me?” I asked.
She nodded, and then a pudgy baby hand appeared between us.
Little Charlie, holding out a LEGO that had been in the coveted bowl. A peace offering.
Bailey smiled. “Thank you, Charlie.”
And in response, Charlie did the hand sign for “thank you.”
An impromptu exchange of kindness between a three-year-old and a one-year-old.
I smiled big and scooped Charlie into my lap next to Bailey. “You guys are awesome sauce.”
Now, that’s a label I don’t mind sticking around for 30 years.
Want More?
If you’ve had a negative interaction with your child, the Magic 5:1 Ratio will help you recover: Why Every Parent Should Know the Magic 5:1 Ratio – And How to Do It. For more ideas for how to discipline your child in a positive way, follow my Pinterest board Playful Parenting.
Your Turn
How do you keep your calm when you discipline your child? Share in a comment below!
The post When You Discipline Your Child, Saying This Is a Big Mistake appeared first on The (Reformed) Idealist Mom.
